The power of inner dialogue.

To understand yourself, just ask (yourself)!

Created on Midjourney

Hey friends,

I'm writing this week's newsletter from an airplane bound for Oslo, where I'm spending a few days for work. These work weeks are busy, so this week’s newsletter is a bit shorter.

But first, I want to thank you all, readers and my beloved 121 subscribers, for your comments and likes and for not kicking me out of your mailbox! This means a lot! This newsletter is the seed of a bigger dream that I will tell you more about in a newsletter soon, I promise!

Ok, let’s go!

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I received this comment this week from my fellow writer friend

Rebecca Letty

.

This was an answer to my mention at the end of a newsletter where I said I’d almost not written last week's post and was "falling off the wagon."

And it stuck with me.

First, I noticed as I read it a story forming in my mind. The story said: "Rebecca is calling me out because I don't really know what self-love is. If I did, I'd have allowed myself to fall off the wagon."

Then, I tuned into the feeling that came with the story: shame. When I dug deeper, I uncovered an imposter syndrome: "Who am I to tell people how to love themselves?" and underneath it, this belief about myself: "I don't love myself."

I leaned in and asked the part who thought this to come forward. I saw a woman, myself, curved down as if she was tired or worn down.

"What does it feel like to be you?" I asked.

"Worn down, you've tired me."

"What happened to you?"

"You took me into your adventures, your life, and you trailed me behind. Trying this, doing that. It's tired me. You wore me down."

"Who are you?"

"I am the part of you you don't love and you don't care for."

"Why don't I love you?"

"Because you think I'm too soft, you call me 'too sensitive'. Because you don't accept that about yourself."

"Is that why you believe I don't love myself?"

"Yes, you don't love me."

"What is your name?"

"I am your sensitive soul."

"What do you need right now?"

"Love."`

"How does that look like, love?"

"I need you to slow down. Enough moving around, enough breaking up and getting with someone else. Enough running after whatever it is you're running after."

"Sensitive, what are you protecting me from?"

"From hurting yourself by being relentless and reckless."

At that moment, I pause and thank her. And I realize that her words point me towards a pattern I have of, indeed, running after something. She didn't know what it was, but I do: I am running towards an infinite horizon because I am not running towards something but away from myself. What Sensitive was helping me see is my shame. I am well aware of that part of me, it's a thing for my people, my family and the collective consciousness of my (colonized) country. The reckless running is because I am ashamed of who I am and where I come from.

I take a moment to thank the part for helping me see this and promise myself to visit the part behind shame in another session. Much to unpack there.

This little dialogue helped me understand that a part of me, sensitive and innocent, needs me to slow down and calm my reckless adventuring (which comes from shame).

If I calm down and treat my sensitive part better, she will start to believe that I love her, in other words, myself.

What an insight.

I’m sharing this introspective conversation with you today to show how beneficial inner dialogue can be and hopefully inspire you to start exploring having dialogues like this with your inner family.

It’s a tool at your disposal. It’s free, and you can do it anytime, anywhere! All you need is to tune into yourself and talk to yourself. If you’re thinking, “How do I talk to myself?” just think of this: if you know how to talk to others, you know how to talk to yourself!

These dialogues are anchored into the Internal Family System framework. This is my favorite modality for talk therapy, although it also includes somatic experiencing, which is one reason why I love it so much.

I’ve been dialoguing like this with my parts for a few years now. It’s allowed me to uncover unknown parts of myself. I still do until now, as the inner self is filled with parts we’re unaware of.

I used to shun emotions. When I realized avoiding feeling your emotions didn’t serve me, I started labeling my feelings. “I feel angry, I feel sad, …” But I realized I was still resisting them. I then understood I’d be better off welcoming my emotions.

I learned the art of welcoming in an Authentic Relating training. “All is welcome” is a phrase I took with me and applied to my emotions, especially the ones I didn’t want to feel.

The beauty of welcoming is the more you welcome, the more curious you become about what you welcome. In other words, when you stop resisting, you lean in with curiosity.

As I started doing so, IFS came naturally as the tool for being curious about emotions. I’d ask, “Who is the part behind this emotion?” and someone would always come forward.

The dialogue would then unfold naturally, an intimate interaction between me, myself and I, revealing parts protecting other parts triggering other parts protecting other parts, like a Russian doll. Worlds within worlds, layers and layers of myself. By the way, this is why I believe in monogamy: you could spend a lifetime peeling someone else’s (and your) layers.

Inner dialogue is how I understand myself. It is how I see if I’m abandoning myself if I’m betraying a part. It’s my way to know if I need to change something, for example, the way I speak to my sensitive self. It’s been a powerful tool for positive change in my life built on the foundation of self-acceptance and integration of the parts. Now, I don’t for you, but this is exactly how I want to build myself: on the foundation of self-acceptance and integration of the parts.

If you haven’t picked it up already, I’m a big fan of Jungian psychology and IFS. :)

So, this was my invitation to try it out. Next time you feel or think something that makes you go, “What is this? Why do I believe this? I wonder where this comes from?” welcome it and lean in with curiosity. Initiate a dialogue (you can start with “Who is feeling this/thinking this?” or “Tell me more”) and see where it takes you (hint: to a deeper connection with yourself).

If you’d like to practice with guidance, I have also shared a meditation to connect with parts of yourself with my subscribers here.

Thank you, Rebecca, for your comment. You never know what impact your words and thoughts will have on others, which is one reason I love Substack!

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And that's it for this week! If you have something to share, say hi in the comments!

PS. I read this article by

alycia

, in which she said, "I believe the success of your business is directly tied to the love you carry for yourself." She then promised herself she'd sell her products "daily and posting consistently, no matter the stats." Inspired by her, I have decided to love myself and share consistently about my Bali retreat, which I love and am excited about.

I am taking with me four women to my secretive Bali escape at the end of this year. I'll share with them access to people and experiences I have curated for the last seven years. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is a unique product. A waitlist is up as I finish the website. There are already five women on it; spots will go on a first-come, first-serve basis. So, if you're interested in knowing more, leave your name and email on the waitlist: you'll receive the link to the website with more information in the coming week. 🌻

See you next week!